How to Comfort Someone over Text After a Miscarriage
Comforting Someone Who Had a Miscarriage Over Text
Sometimes physically being there for someone and meeting their sorrow with a hug isn’t an option. After serving as an active duty Navy Nurse for 5 years and living all over, I understand this first-hand. However, with today’s technology, distance doesn't have to get in the way of comforting a friend who’s experiencing loss. Text messages are a fast and effective way to show loved ones support while they walk through hard times, especially if you live multiple time zones away, like I did. Whether that means a few kind words or a lengthy, thought-out paragraph, this article provides a few tips to keep in mind while crafting a heartfelt message.
Empathize Without Assuming
Empathy is a great tool that God has equipped us with to relate to and care for others. But it’s important we know how to use it. Chances are, you don’t know completely what your friend is going through. If you too have suffered a pregnancy loss, you’ll have an idea of what they must be feeling. Everyone experiences grief differently, however, so it’s better to ask before assuming. When you begin to grasp their struggle, you can start to identify what their immediate needs are. From there, respond with sincerity and patience, knowing that it’s likely their needs will continue to evolve as they walk this journey.
Be Present
Be present. Offer support by letting them know you are there for them, either in general or with specifics. It may be helpful to identify a specific way to care for them, such as bringing over a meal (or organizing a meal train), praying with them, talking through their grief, sending an encouraging song or a scripture from my miscarriage verses in the Bible post. Making yourself available for their needs, big or small, is extremely valuable. It doesn’t always take huge gestures to show your love to others, being present is enough to indicate genuine compassion. I know that after our miscarriage, I was completely moved by everyone who reached out. It meant the world to feel lifted by friends and family. Humble yourself to God’s will, and ask Him to work through you to shine light into your friend’s healing journey.
Accept Your Role
You can’t fix the situation, and that’s okay. While it’s understandable why you’d want to take the pain and suffering away from someone you love dearly, that’s not your job. There is no quick fix to a situation like this. Only God can heal what’s broken, but He can use you to love His suffering child. A big part of Christian fellowship is receiving the love of God through other believers. It’s okay to not know what to say, and if we’re being honest, most people don’t. The perfect textbook answer will simply not be very helpful. The best way to care for your friend well is to respond with honesty and raw compassion, which may seem small or insignificant at first. It may even feel awkward. But know that it matters. Don’t expect the impact of your love to be immediate. Similarly, don’t expect whoever’s on the other end to be ready to receive that love. It’s not personal if they don’t respond. It may be that they simply don’t have the energy or capacity to do so at that moment. Give it time and continue to check in with them.
Encourage With Scripture
God is the Divine physician, why turn anywhere else? There are countless scriptures you can send to a friend grieving a miscarriage. Depending on what message would be best suited for this friend, I’ve created a few categories to reference, which can be found here.
Avoid Saying…
There are many well-intentioned phrases that actually do more damage than we realize. One that I hear quite often is “God needed another angel by His side in heaven”, or “The baby probably had problems and wouldn’t have made it anyways.” While we do want to encourage our friend to trust God’s will, we don’t want to lead them into faulty thinking. The Bible teaches us that angels are created beings (Colossians 1:15-17) and separate creatures from humans (2 Peter 2:11). Angels serve as messengers and protectors to help carry out God’s plan of being united with us, humanity (Hebrews 1:13-14). This phrase also implies that God caused the loss to occur. While our human minds will never fully understand the mysteries of God on this side of heaven (Isaiah 55:8-9), we know that God does not cause suffering, but works through it to bring about good.
Some Ideas of Things to Say
The most important thing to remember is that God is always in control of every situation, and He always brings good out of suffering, whether we get to see it in this life or not. Use this reminder as your starting point for crafting a message. Here are some ideas:
“I can’t begin to understand the pain you and your family must be going through right now. Please know that I am here to support you in any way that I can. I am praying for you my friend.”
“I am so sorry you are walking through this. I want to remind you that I care for you and you are not alone in this tragedy. God does not waste any of your suffering.”
“I am sending you lots of love and prayers as you grieve this loss. It’s okay not to be okay, I am here for you friend and I love you. Take all the time you need.”
“Please know that I am here for you. I cannot imagine your pain. Let me know if there is anything that I can do for you, even if it’s to just give you a hug. I am praying for you.”
Many people feel uncomfortable saying anything when a friend experiences loss. However, it’s important to remember that your kindness matters, and even a simple text message can help ease their pain. None of us were made to suffer alone. Even Jesus needed help carrying His cross.
And…as a Catholic, we believe that all persons in heaven are saints, whether or not they were officially canonized or not. So as a Catholic parent myself, I found great consolation in knowing that I have already gotten one of my children to heaven.
